My Life with BPD and Living in a Constant Suicidal State

 

It took me going through the absolute darkest time in my life to finally open up and have an extreme, bluntly honest discussion with my dad about why I no longer wanted to exist and why I felt like it was the most compassionate and loving thing I could do to save the people I loved the most from continuing to suffer because of me. That was in the fall of 2021. As someone who has lived with mental illness, constant feelings of loneliness (even when surround by friends or family, sometimes makes it worse), melancholy (because it's not just feeling sad, but being confused because there never seems to be a real/obvious reason) and a constant, gut wrenching feeling that because of these things, I am making the people who love me miserable, annoyed and angry because I can't just "snap out of it" already.

For over 20 years, I struggled with the fact that I have very extreme emotions that, whether good or bad, tend to become practically unbearable and most of the time, I couldn't give any reasonable, rational or logical explanation to these thoughts or emotions. I am either at one extreme or the other, and there is no telling when that pendulum would suddenly swing in the opposite direction. Causing a lot of confusion for the people who witness it. Inevitably, the constant neediness, clinginess and utter desperation in the way I acted towards the people I loved because of the sheer panic that would engulf me whenever I felt like they were pulling away and no longer loved me, drove damn near every relationship I had over a cliff.

My extreme fear of abandonment and being completely forgotten by the people I loved the most, drove them away anyway due to these actions that I had absolutely no control over. Thus, solidifying the ongoing thoughts and feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. The flip side of that, was how explosive, angry and down right sadistically mean I could become in a split second when I realized the above actions received the exact opposite reactions that I so desperately needed in those moments. When I did not get the reassurance, compassion, empathy and loving response I was practically begging for (but didn't know at the time how to correctly ask for) the begging and pleading turned very mean, hateful, and attacking.

My normal sweet, loving, gentle nature turned very dark and hurtful. This tends to take people by surprise and often the things said in those moments were so detrimental there was no coming back from. The guilt and shame in myself and the things said in these moments have haunted me ever since. Unfortunately, forgiving myself for these moments in my past has been an almost impossible task for me. Often times, I do not blame the ones who left, because no matter what hurtful things they had ever done or their side of things, my extreme reactions in those moments, destroyed any hope of reconciliation or being able to work things out. It has always been easier for me to forgive them for anything they had done that led to the breakup or how much they had hurt me.

I have spent the last 3 years especially working on myself and building the self awareness to recognize my triggers and work on stopping these toxic reactive traits in myself. I hope one day that I can get to a place where I no longer fear people leaving and no longer blame myself or wonder what is so broken and worthless in me that causes people to leave me in the end. 

I still struggle a lot with overwhelming feelings and thoughts of worthlessness and that I am unlovable. All I have ever wanted was to feel the love and security from someone and the peace of knowing that no matter what, they are by my side. I have always come across as the strong one and I am usually the one who holds on and fights for the people I love, but if I am being 100% honest, I have never felt fought for. I have never felt like anyone else loved me enough to fight to keep me in their life because the only feeling prominent in my mind is the abandonment by those who said they would never leave. 

The last one completely destroyed any hope I had left of thinking it was possible to feel completely secure, in another relationship, enough to even attempt to put myself in that vulnerable situation ever again. I feel things so deeply. However, I've come to notice that this feeling of hopelessness literally only applies to romantic relationships and has not stopped me from having hope that life does get better. 

The platonic and spiritual type of love that guides me, has given me the ability to help others fight their own mental issues, is now the only kind of love that I have in my life. I feel like a walking contradiction because I believe so strongly that the love that I crave so much is possible for everyone except for myself. I feel everything fully and love with every fiber of my being, but without that all consuming love and devotion being reciprocated, it has become a very dark thing in my life that has kept me in the constant state of the suicidal ideation that always lies just underneath the service. I hate that this extremeness in how deeply I feel things is what hurts the people I love and pushes them away. This extreme passion turns obsession if not careful and it makes it very easy for others to just walk away from me despite any promises made by them to not leave. I am aware of how my mental health has been a huge problem in my life. Others try but eventually it becomes too much for them to deal with and handle time and time again. Believe me, I understand. If I could walk away from myself and not have to be around that ever again, I would leave me too.

If you think it is difficult to handle my extremes all the time, I can guarantee it's nothing compared to living with it myself. Everyone else who gets fed up and tired with it can easily just walk away when they want to. I must live with myself and in my head without ever having the ability to walk away when it gets too much to handle. The reason I tell you all this here is to give you an idea of how my thoughts work and how it is possible to get to a place where the thought of dying is the correct solution.

So please, if someone in your life has ever, in anyway, hinted at (or flat out stated) that they want to die, stop existing or wish they had never been born, try to have some empathy and try to see the anguish they live with daily. Remember that when someone's mental illness feels too much and overwhelming for you to be around, that you have the luxury of choosing not to be around or deal with it; they do not. We are stuck with ourselves and never get a break from those intrusive, horribly destructive and damaging thoughts/feelings that are always present just under the surface and we are always acutely aware of it, no matter how strong or happy we seem to be. Most of us have mastered the art of hiding just how much pain we are constantly in because we do not want to be even more of a burden on those we love so much. Most of us just need someone to stay and someone to sit with us through the pain. 

We don't need the pep talks or told that 'we are strong' and 'we will get through it', 'This is temporary' or any other number of cliché statements. When there are such dark overwhelming thoughts and proof in our lives that contradict them, those statements actually make us feel even worse about ourselves because we should have hope and know that it gets better, but for us it never does, even if at times it seems like it when looking at us from the outside. 

So please, you never know what invisible forces your friends could be secretly dealing with. If you truly want to help and make a difference, create a safe space for them to come to when it gets too much for them to carry on their own. 

If you or a loved one are experiencing suicidal or harmful thoughts, reach out...Either talk to a close friend or family member or you can call/text the suicide hotline at 988.

If you or someone you love struggles with their mental health and therapy alone just doesn't seem to work entirely or as well as you would like, then I encourage you to explore ways in which a Mental Health Specialist/Life Coach can enrich and transform your life. 

I believe that no individual should suffer alone and that everyone deserves access to mental health care. My mission is to provide compassionate, non-judgmental support to empower individuals to take control of their mental health and live their best life. Services include: individual coaching, group coaching, and courses, webinars along with tangible goal setting and tracking so you can see your progress and be encouraged on those days when you have a hard time seeing anything positive. All resources are available through the members portal mobile app, to help individuals understand and manage their mental health. 

At Lose Your Thoughts: Mental Health Specialist, LLC we strive to help people overcome life's obstacles and navigate their mental health. Through getting certified as an NLP Practitioner, Mindful Meditation Guide and Trauma Informed Coach, plus my own journey with mental illness, I have gained extensive experience in understanding and supporting individuals with mental health challenges. 

I strive to create an environment of understanding and acceptance, and am dedicated to helping individuals find a path to a better life. Journey Beyond Your Thoughts with a specialized program structured to fit your individual needs. Begin your transformative journey by scheduling your FREE DISCOVERY CONSULT with the Mental Health Specialist at Lose Your Thoughts where therapy meets life coaching.

 In Light & Love,

Julia Vazquez

Other Resources:

This mother's story of struggling with her feelings of helplessness as she watches the constant turmoil mental illness, depression and suicidal ideation her daughter struggled with for so long. It is definitely one of the best articles I have read about the topic of having a loved one (especially a child/teen) who lives in a suicidal state and the toll it takes on both sides. I bawled through the whole thing because THIS discussion is SO important to have. For both sides of it.